But wait a minute, you might be saying, how can it have limits if it is unconditional? I am learning through some difficult relationship struggles with people I love that there is a lot of confusion about this concept. We can confuse unconditional love with unconditional relationships. I know I have. Unconditional love is a beautiful spiritual aspiration encouraged by many of the world’s faiths; unconditional relationships are dysfunctional and unhealthy.

As a Quaker, I think of unconditional love as seeing the Light in everyone, even when it seems hidden and I am experiencing them as difficult. However, this does not mean that they can treat me badly and I will put up with it to keep the peace. I have done plenty of that in my life. It doesn’t end well. I do treasure peace and I prefer to see the good in people. But when I sweep under the rug violations of my boundaries or disrespectful/aggressive behavior, I sell myself out and condone the other’s harmful words and actions. This ultimately leads to resentment and eventually withdrawal and avoidance.

Healthy relationships have clear boundaries and rules of conduct. People in healthy relationships tell their truth and are not afraid to confront and challenge one another, because the relationship is a safe space in which to be honest. They are open and expressive of their needs and wants in a relationship and respectfully negotiate when there are conflicts. They don’t harm themselves to meet the needs of others, nor do they expect that of others. They do not use guilt or other tools of manipulation, including violence, to get what they want.

Looking at this through the lens of the Quaker testimonies, we approach relationships as equals, striving to be peaceful and keep our hearts open, while still standing in our integrity and telling our truth. As humans, we have limits to our inner Light and a responsibility to protect it from harm and depletion. We are all precious.

For a long time in my life, I placed others and their needs above my own. I thought that was what I was supposed to do, particularly with family. I wondered why I often felt resentful and burned out. I had a great therapist who told me, “To love others well, you must be self-full and love yourself first.” It was her way of reframing my insistence that considering myself first was selfish. Another Friend puts it well, “Put on your own oxygen mask first.”

But what do we do when someone we love doesn’t honor our boundaries, makes excessive demands, or treats us abusively, and our attempts to repair the relationship have failed?  This is a tough one for us Quakers. We want to keep trying to work it out. Sometimes we can’t and we have to end the relationship to take care of ourselves. How do we do that and continue to love them unconditionally, even if just from afar?

I’m finding it is possible to let go, to forgive, to move on, and to still hold them in my heart. I can hope that we both find peace, that good comes from it all in the end. I can look back and see the mistakes I made and strive to be more skillful next time. I don’t have to carry anger or regret, or wish they could see things my way or be different than they are. I can let it all be and hold them and myself in the Light.