This was a blog I wrote for Reno Friends Meeting (https://www.renofriends.org/) for the month of January.

Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. Lao Tzu

Lately I’ve been reflecting on contentment, curious about why I have been feeling increasingly content. January is usually when we resolve to change for the better, not a time to be content. I think what has changed for me this year is that I’m slowly dropping a lifelong habit of perfectionism; perfectionism and contentment do not make good bedfellows. In my practices of Qigong, Tai Chi, yoga and meditation, I’ve been focusing on being present and in complete acceptance with what is happening in the moment, what I can and cannot do. Perhaps after many years of practice, something is sinking in more deeply. Maybe it is part of aging and accepting of reality. Probably, it’s a combination of practices and life experience. There are blessings in getting older!

I’ve stopped trying to always be and do more. I recall watching a sci-fi film a few years back called “Cloud Atlas”. In this dystopian film, more is the disease that brings down civilization. Our culture encourages us to be dissatisfied, to do more, be more, buy more, promising that “more” will make us happy and loveable. I think if we keep following this path, we could end up in a Cloud Atlas future. What is enough?

I was inspired to delve more deeply into contentment by doing some reading on what various spiritual paths have to say. The Tao te Ching by Lao Tzu is filled with poems describing “The Way” or “The Tao”. It is one of my favorite spiritual texts to read before I settle into meditation. Lao Tzu often speaks of being content and accepting reality as it is. I chose the lead quote from this text. My favorite translation is by Stephen Mitchell.

Yoga from the Hindu tradition has many practices, like Santosha, to help one embody contentment, both on the mat and in the world. Santosha is about cultivating a feeling of contentment that is not dependent on the external world. Here is a beautiful article on Santosha: https://www.awakeningself.com/writing/making-peace-with-contentment-santosha/.

The Bible is filled with many references to contentment, like this quote: Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. Phillippians 4:11-12. This blog post is filled with Bible quotes on contentment: https://www.biblelyfe.com/blog/bible-verses-about-contentment.

Buddha was another big proponent of contentment. He said: Contentment is the greatest wealth. Buddha believed that resisting reality caused suffering and that only by accepting our experience in each moment could we find peace. Buddhism is actually a very sophisticated mind re-training system. Here is a good article/video on contentment by Phakchok Rinpoche: https://samyeinstitute.org/paths/holistic-living/contentment-and-mind/.

Islam also promotes contentment, like this quote from Imam Ali (a): There is no treasure richer than contentment (MH, H.16850). Here is a quick read on contentment from the Islamic perspective: https://academyofislam.com/reflection-no-325-on-q-20131-contentment/.

Even western therapists blog on the virtues of contentment: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/the-essence-of-contentment-how-acceptance-promotes-happiness-0911194.

As I have explored these writings, it also occurred to me that contentment is a fruit of many of our Quaker testimonies. The felt experience of Simplicity is contentment. When we are content, we experience inner Peace. Integrity-telling the truth and living in alignment with our values-leads to contentment. Being part of a Community and loving and accepting ourselves and each other as we are, fosters contentment. When we see ourselves as Equal to others, neither better nor less than, we are content. Good Stewardship encourages us to live simply, be content with what we have, and tend to the Earth.

Looking back, I realize I’ve been soaking in teachings and doing practices that lead to contentment for a long time. I wonder why it has taken me so long to feel content? I suspect it goes back to perfectionism, to never feeling I’ve done enough or am enough. I am grateful to our dear Swami who shared this message during the Silence recently: God loves you just as you are. If you cannot love yourself as you are, then you know where your work is. That message hit me right in the heart. What if our biggest work is to love ourselves just as we are? This doesn’t mean that we become lazy and complacent. Rather, when we love ourselves and others as we are, we can let love lead us in our responses to unskillfulness, suffering and injustice. We can be content just as we are and trust we will be guided to the next right step. We are all learning as we go, and we are doing the best we can given where we are in the moment.

Queries:

What does contentment mean to you?

How do you foster contentment in your life?

When do you feel discontent?

If you feel discontent, how do you restore contentment?

How is contentment related to gratitude?

This was a blog I wrote for Reno Friends Meeting (https://www.renofriends.org/) for the month of October.

“Every morning I awake torn between a desire to save the world and an inclination to savor it. This makes it hard to plan the day. But if we forget to savor the world, what possible reason do we have for saving it? In a way, the savoring must come first.”  E. B. White

I can’t recall when my mission to save the world and others began or how I became overly responsible. It’s been such a part of me for so long I didn’t realize what a toll it was taking until I got older. This cloak of over-responsibility is heavy. It slows my steps, saps my life energy and joy. It keeps me so busy; I don’t have time to slow down, rest and savor life.

I suspect I’m not the only Friend who struggles with this. For those of you who think you might be overly responsible too, here’s a good read on the topic:

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/articles/how-to-stop-feeling-overly-responsible/

I’ve been working on shedding my cloak of over-responsibility for some time now. I’m getting better at recognizing when I’m taking on something beyond my Light, overstepping my bounds, taking responsibility for another or something totally out of my control. I feel a heaviness on my shoulders and in my heart. I get tense, pushy, judgmental.

As the above, article points out, responsibilities are a normal part of adult life and being responsible is not the problem. Normal responsibilities include doing our jobs well, being there for our loved ones, taking care of our homes and yards, paying our bills, etc. Over-responsibilities are when we take on what isn’t ours to do like fixing others’ feelings or mistakes, trying to keep peace between people who enjoy conflict and drama, taking on other’s work or more than our fair share of a project, etc. We can get so caught up working on an endless To Do List, that we don’t take time to slow down, enjoy life and rest.

These days, I’m learning to slow down and savor life, to take time for rest and reflection. I’m experimenting with doing this while I’m working on a task. For example, I’ll take a break from weeding to commune with the plants I’m tending, to ask what they need from me, to thank them for their gifts and enjoy their beauty. When I take breaks like this, I have more stamina and fewer injuries, along with more joy. How I do my works is changing and it’s still getting done. I always thought I had to be a rigid taskmaster to get everything done. Now I don’t worry when I don’t get to everything on the list. It’ll be there for me tomorrow. I use the Simplicity testimony and ask myself if I’m taking on things beyond my Light and over-complicating my day. Am I walking with Spirit and listening to what is truly needed today?

My cloak of over-responsibility still hangs in my inner closet, and occasionally I deliberately put it on and tackle a challenge I feel led to accept. I then look for ways to engage others in a worthy cause, so we can share the load. Sometimes that doesn’t work, and I must lay it down. I’m getting better at recognizing and accepting that before I’m completely fried. Sometimes the cloak ends up on my shoulders and I don’t know how it got there! Old patterns take a long time to change. It’s good to remember that and be gentle with ourselves. It seems to me the best thing we can do is be in the moment and respond with love to what Life brings us. Can we trust that is enough?

Queries:

How do I live a compassionate life and be a good steward without becoming obsessive, moralistic, judgmental, and pushy about my yearning to save or improve?

What is the next right thing to do that is loving towards myself, others and the Whole?

What can I let go of that isn’t mine to do, carry, think about?

Am I taking time to care for myself and tend my own Light? To savor Life?

I wrote this blog for Reno Friends Meeting for January and decided I wanted to share it with you too. Wishing you all a happy, healthy, peaceful and Light-filled year ahead.

This is the time when sunlight returns to our winter world and a new year begins. 2020 has been a year of retreat for many of us, clouded by uncertainty and anxiety. We spent more time with ourselves than usual. I have seen this year as an opportunity to go the “mountain”, to use a metaphor common to many spiritual traditions. There has been less outward activity and more inward reflection. But now the energy is shifting, and the time is coming to re-engage with the “marketplace”—to bring our inner Light into the world.

I am fond of spiritual metaphors like the ox-herding pictures used in Zen Buddhism to teach about the spiritual path. The seeker wanders a path up the mountain looking for the wild ox, then finds and tames it, rides it back down, comes home and enters the marketplace, bringing spiritual wisdom and helping hands to the community. The ox is a metaphor for taming the unruly aspects of ourselves, including our overactive egos and minds. Other similar metaphors include Moses bringing the ten commandments down from the mountain as instructed by God, Jesus spending 40 days in the desert before giving the Sermon on the Mount, the wandering of the Jews in the desert before coming to the Promised Land, and the vision quests of native peoples. In modern times, we go on retreats, withdrawing from our normal lives and taking time for spiritual reading and inner reflection. We hope to come back wiser, more peaceful and compassionate.

What I usually find is that it is easy for me to be peaceful and compassionate while on retreat; it’s when I return to the world that I have trouble! So, I’ve been reflecting on how this lofty idea might be made more accessible to us everyday folks. My experiment this last year has been to incorporate Retreat Days into my schedule. Sadly, I’m here to report that I was unable to retreat for a whole day despite the best of intentions. I did have success in unplugging from news, but not from life.

Then I started wondering if there might be a more practical way to do this ox-taming business, must be the Quaker in me… My new experiment is taking mini retreats and then re-engaging with the world throughout the day, seeking to bring Light and the Quaker testimonies into the world. I’m finding this approach works much better and is more realistic given the nature of my life. My hope is that over time I will be able to maintain centered-down peace while I’m engaged with the world.

Here are some of my mini retreats:

• Silent Worship whether in community or alone—taking 30-60 minutes to sit quietly and listen for that still, small voice within.
• Sitting in easy repose and staring out the window for a few minutes, turning off my brain.
• Going on a walk or taking a swim and making it a moving meditation, where I focus on the movement and get out of my head.
• Doing Qigong, Tai Chi and/or yoga practice with mindful focus. It helps to do this in a room set aside for this purpose or outdoors. If I’m near my desk or the kitchen, I can get endlessly distracted! It also helps to do just one pose or form if I’ve lost my center or need a break.
• Taking several deep, belly breaths.
• Driving in silence.
• Petting the cat.
• Breathing and repeating a mantra while waiting.
• Observing nature and letting myself become absorbed into it.
• Meditating using a mantra or following my breath.
• Reading a spiritual book.

Here are some of the ways I try to bring Light into the world:

• Smile.
• Listen with total presence, seeking to understand.
• Speak the truth from my heart, with compassion.
• Be thoughtful in my actions and words.
• Do random acts of kindness.
• Practice peace, even when I disagree.
• Seek unity; there’s usually some common ground somewhere.
• Be patient.
• Love my neighbor without exceptions.
• Live simply and in harmony with nature and those around me.
• Be a good steward.
• Share generously.
• Shine my Light, encouraging others as my equals, to shine theirs.
• Have faith and trust in the good in myself and others, and Life itself.
• Stand in my integrity with humble courage.
• Be open-minded and non-judgmental.

Like any human, I stumble a lot, miss the mark, make mistakes, get distracted. Then I get back on that ox and try again. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is an ongoing experiment without end. I find that comforting. Oh, and it helps not to take oneself too seriously and have a good sense of humor!

Queries:

What are your ways to retreat from the world and reconnect with the Light?

How do you bring Light into the world?

What distracts you from your highest intentions? Disturbs your peace?

Yesterday was Independence Day. Upon reflection, I found myself wondering why we don’t celebrate Interdependence Day? The way I see it, we are all interdependent with each other, with all forms of life, with the planet itself. I wonder sometimes how this world might be if we honored our connection with all of life?

This morning I meditated on the strawberries I was eating for breakfast. I pictured the seeds being planted and nurtured by the grower, which is usually a whole group of people involved in planting, watering, weeding and harvesting. Many of these people come from other countries and endure hardships and low wages so we can eat strawberries. I am very grateful to them and I wish we treated them better. I reflected on nature itself–the sun, earth, water, and bees that grew the fruit. I thought about the folks who then crate and transport this delicious fruit to my grocery store. This led to thinking about all that goes into our transportation infrastructure and the vehicles and fuel it takes for this step. And then there is my local grocery store where people are currently facing personal risks as essential workers so I can buy the strawberries. I was filled with a feeling of gratitude and wonder as I considered all the life energies involved in the simple gift of strawberries on my breakfast table.

If you think about it, everything that sustains our life has a chain like this. We are not islands, independent unto ourselves. This point has become ever clearer to me since the pandemic began. We cannot lock ourselves in our homes and survive for long. Even our homes depend on a huge amount of infrastructure coming from multiple sources in order for us to survive: water, electricity, heat, sewer and trash services are all essential. How long can you stay at home before you have to go out and get supplies? Where do these supplies come from? All over the world.

Countries are also interdependent. We depend upon one another to share resources, to trade, to help each other and to protect the biosphere on which we all depend. The pandemic gives us an opportunity to learn from each other, to help one another, because it is happening to all of us.

Human life is fragile. It depends on a lot of scaffolding to hold it up. I am humbled by this realization. I cannot survive by myself. I am also heartened to think that we are all inter-connected and dependent upon one another and the entire natural world. All lives matter. We are part of something large and magnificent that holds us in its arms. By nature, we are social animals designed to live in groups and form bonds of love and caring. Unless something happens to damage it, our natural tendency is to reach out to one another with compassion if someone is hurting or in need. We have seen a lot of that in recent times, and well if I look back, in all times.

I have faith and hope in our love for each other, our love for nature and our beautiful planet. My hope is that love will melt the mirage of independence that keeps us isolated and we can celebrate our interdependence–the great dance of giving and receiving that is the truth of Life.

Here is another post I originally wrote for the April Reno Friends blog at http://www.renofriends.org/.

Suddenly, we all have more time for reflection. Quakers are familiar with taking time in silence for reflection, it’s what we do! Now we are joined by legions around the globe. Schedules are falling away as we retreat into our homes and living spaces. This strikes me as an opportunity to settle deeply in with ourselves and ask what is truly important in my life? What do I wish my life to stand for now?

As societies, we are questioning what is an essential service? I am grateful to all the people who are continuing to provide essential services so we can live. We are having to look at how we have structured our lives, our businesses and organizations, our communities, our societies. We are learning how inter-connected we all are with each other and all things.

My sense is our lives have been interrupted so we might create a new life that is simpler, more balanced and more in harmony with nature and others. My guess is that deep down, we have all known our old ways could not go on.

I have always found the Quaker Testimony of Simplicity to be helpful when I consider what is truly essential in my life.

Simplicity Testimony

(This is the seventh in a series of 12 monthly queries developed by Pacific Yearly Meeting. NOTE: All 12 monthly queries are on this website:  http://www.renofriends.org/ under the All About Quakers tab in the main menu.)

Life is meant to be lived from a Center, a divine Center . . . a life of unhurried peace and power. It is simple. It is serene. It takes no time, but occupies all our time. Thomas Kelly, A Testament of Devotion, 1941

A life centered in God will be directed toward keeping communication with God open and unencumbered. Simplicity is best achieved through a right ordering of priorities, maintaining humility of spirit, avoiding self-indulgence, resisting the accumulation of unnecessary possessions, and avoiding over-busy lives.

Elise Boulding writes in My Part in the Quaker Adventure, “Simplicity, beauty, and happiness go together if they are a by-product of a concern for something more important than ourselves.”

Do I center my life in an awareness of God’s presence so that all things take their rightful place?

Do I live simply and promote right sharing of the world’s bounty?

Do I keep my life uncluttered with things and activities, avoiding commitments beyond my strength and light?

How do I maintain simplicity, moderation, and honesty in my speech, my manner of living, and my daily work?

Do I recognize when I have enough? 

Is the life of the Meeting so organized that it helps us to simplify our lives? 

Friends, I’m holding us all in the Light as we move through this challenging passage into new ways of being with each other and in the world. We all have Light within us and gifts to give, and we all need the gifts others have to share. May you shine your Light and encourage others, as your equals, to shine theirs. May you receive with gratitude and graciousness. May you take time to nourish yourself and your family, to play, to exercise, and to rest.  Envision what can be possible, and then put feet and hands to it! Your life is your example, your greatest testimony.

I was sitting in the whirlpool at the gym continuing my meditations on suffering when my not-so-still, small voice within said, “Meditate on joy and blog about that.” Thankfully I was by myself so no one looked at me oddly when I burst out laughing! Here I am meditating on suffering instead of joy, now isn’t that ironic?

Since this revelation in the whirlpool, I’ve been noticing joy. When I really look through the lens of joy, it’s everywhere! In the morning I watch the sun shining through the blossoms of a glorious amaryllis in the front window. I taste the creamy smoothness of my coffee while I practice Qigong and Tai Chi, joyful that I can move my body in a balanced way without pain. Theo, the cat, rubs against my legs and I smile. Scott and I share healthy, tasty meals over the course of the day, along with interesting conversation and funny observations. Birds play in the heated bath outside the kitchen window. A neighbor drops by a treat from their kitchen and stays to visit for awhile. A friend calls and we share about our lives; I glean some insight from her wise words and astute questions. I take a stroll through the Wilber May Arboretum and Botanical Gardens that are our backyard and am filled with gratitude that I get to live here! My mother needs help with a project at her house and we reminisce over old times and great trips we’ve taken together. On the way home, the sun sets sending glorious splashes of color through the fluffy clouds and onto the snow blanketing Mount Rose. Scott and I toast the end of another day with red wine and then read a favorite book to each other, while the cat snuggles up and purrs.

I am realizing as I have begun this new practice of noticing joy that my mind is trained to notice what is wrong and requires “correcting” in my opinion. This training has come from a variety of sources over the course of my life, and likely was a tendency I was born with. This perfectionism can be the source of positive results if I harness it appropriately, but it makes a miserable Master! I don’t think I fully realized how insidious its tentacles were in my brain until I began this meditation on joy.

I am catching it faster as the days go by, shifting from focusing so much on what’s amiss or needs doing, to noticing what’s right and being grateful. This doesn’t mean I am ignoring that which requires my attention, but I am no longer allowing myself to be obsessively consumed with it! I’m experimenting with asking myself, “What’s right? How do I bring more joy and peace to this moment?” I find this is balancing my responses and calming my nervous system. I feel more peaceful and joyful. There is so much that is right and beautiful in the world. I want to grow that by watering it with my attention. It turns out when I do so, I also nurture my soul.

My musings on suffering have continued since the last post and today I am contemplating my need to suffer. It works something like this: If others are suffering or the world is in trouble, I cannot be happy or at peace. I need to keep working on alleviating suffering.

When I consider this more carefully, I can see how crazy this way of thinking is. After all, one of my morning prayers is “May all beings be happy; may all beings be at peace.” There is not a corollary which says, “And in the meantime, suffer together.”

Another piece of this need to suffer is guilt. I feel guilty for having a good life which is relatively free of suffering. I feel guilty when I’m happy. Wow, that’s fascinating… I feel guilty when I’m happy and at peace.

So, what would my life be like if I could let go of the need to suffer, the guilt over being happy and at peace when others are not? I imagine I would be lighter, more serene, more present to others with an open, happy heart. How might that change my responses? I’m guessing I’d feed happiness, peace and hope more than the suffering. I know that what we resist persists, what we fight against, we make stronger. Isn’t working to alleviate suffering, actually getting me stuck in suffering–my own and others?

How might the world be different if we focused on that which opens our hearts, softens our clenching against pain, increases ours and others peace and joy? What if I made a commitment to being happy and peaceful, even if I or others have pain?

I might be more like my friend, Jane. She called me this morning and we talked for a long time. She deals with more pain than I can imagine, every day. Yet, she is determined to live each day with a positive attitude, creating as much joy as she can. She has an infectious laugh and a sense of humor about things most of us would be mortified over. I’ve come to realize it is how she avoids needless suffering over things she cannot control. She might have pain, but she doesn’t suffer. She will allow herself to grieve at times, but only for so long before she’s laughing about something funny her grandson did. Here’s to you Jane! You inspire me.

I woke up this morning with a very clear message, “Release the fear of suffering.” This meditation has followed me through my morning practice and into my day and now onto my blog. My sense is this might turn into a series of musings on this very rich topic…

When I woke with the message, I snuggled in with Scott and shared it with him. He then told me he was restless all night, convinced he was having a recurrence of chronic wrist pain. After work with a skilled PT and healer recently, it had completely stopped with only minor, occasional twinges and some soreness if he used his hands a lot during the day. Finally, he got up and went to get his wrist brace. “As I was walking over to get it, I realized my wrist didn’t hurt. I must have been dreaming, afraid of the pain coming back.”

An example from my own life is my tendency to catastrophize and imagine the worst happening instead of the best. These days I often find myself awash in my fears for Mother Earth and what will happen in the future because of human activities which are seriously damaging the biosphere. I can lose myself in despair and hopelessness if I let my mind continue down this spiral of thought.

Isn’t this how it goes? We cause suffering in the present because we are fearful of suffering in the future. We can become obsessed with trying to control our future to avoid suffering, or become frozen with despair. Oftentimes, that which we fear either doesn’t come to pass or is much less scary than we’d imagined. How much more suffering do we endure as a result of our fear? How much of our life do we waste worrying, strategizing, controlling, withdrawing, isolating ourselves, bracing against pain (which can cause more pain due to chronic tension from muscle guarding) and despairing in hopelessness?

One of my favorite teachers is Ekhart Tolle who wrote The Power of Now. He asks, are you in danger now? Are you in pain now? What is true in this moment? He encourages us to live more in the moment, the only one we truly have. He asks us to trust that if we are fully present right NOW all will be well and we will clearly know what response to make to whatever is in front of us. It is the only space in which we can transform our own lives and the world in which we live.

How might our lives be different if we released our fear of suffering in the future? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? The pain to return? The bottom to fall out? The world to end?

In my experience, we create in our life and our world that which we dwell upon in our thoughts. What if we spent more time focusing on what we would like to create instead of what we fear? What if we embrace hope, peace, lovingkindness? What miracles could happen if we take action from that place?

I thought my blog readers might enjoy this post I originally created for the Reno Friends blog at http://www.renofriends.org/.

The idea of “lying fallow” comes from agriculture. It is an ancient practice used by farmers to rest and restore soil. The idea is to take a field out of production, plow it under and let it lie fallow for a year or two. During this time, nutrients in the soil are renewed so the next crop planted will thrive. As I’ve observed nature, I’ve noticed lying fallow is not just for soil.

As the leaves fall, days shorten, and temperatures cool, I find myself craving rest and quiet time at home. I long for spacious hours to draw inwards and restore my energy after the exuberant activities of summer. I’m not the only one. The cat spends more hours curled in his baskets, preferably in the sun or on the heated bathroom floor. The bunnies and squirrels in the park appear less often, spending most of their time underground, only coming out when it is warm and sunny.

Yet, this seems to be the busiest time of year for social gatherings and community events. Our calendars fill up with holiday parties, get-togethers, lunches, dinners, coffee dates, shopping, and travel to be with family. Our mailboxes fill with annual holiday greetings and we have a list of our own to get out.

Something in me rails against this busyness which appears at the exact time that I want to be lazy, stay home and rest! In recent years, I’ve become more mindful of how I do this season. I examine every request that comes my way and ask myself if it is an absolute YES, if it isn’t, I politely decline. At times I make exceptions—sometimes what someone else needs is more important than my preferences. I strive to balance my energy, my Light, as Friends like to say.

This year I’m trying something new, a Retreat Day once a week. On this day, I keep my schedule free so I can stay at home and float through my day, doing that which restores me and allows me to settle deeply into myself. I’m an introvert, meaning that I need alone time to restore my energy after I’ve been out and about in our extroverted and busy world.

Here’s what I am noticing about my experiment: I am calmer, slower, more peaceful and thoughtful this season. Knowing I have a Retreat Day to look forward to every week helps me be more present to others, as well as to myself. The bucket I’m giving out of is fuller, so my giving is fluid and easy. I don’t feel drained, over-obligated and resentful. I know I will have the time I need to rest and recharge. I wonder what took me so long to give myself this gift of a day of rest! Like the fields, lying fallow restores me so I can nourish others with joy and isn’t that what this season is all about?

I was having a conversation with Mariellen, a fellow editor of WCTS?, about a piece of writing. She wanted to know if a suggestion I made was an either/or or both/and suggestion. I told her it was a both/and.

The next morning, while meditating, it occurred to me that I have spent much of my life in either/or thinking. The suggestion that came through in my meditation was, “Perhaps it would be better to spend more time in both/and thought and less time in either/or thought.”

I was immediately reminded of this diagram I used with clients when I was a therapist:

Most things in life are some play of opposites. Examples: black/white, love/hate, good/bad, male/female, joy/sorrow, stress/relaxation, peace/aggression, etc. When we get stuck in either/or thinking, we tend to end up in one opposite and either condemn or long for the other. For example, we might be focused on how stressed out we are and long for relaxation, or we might be so identified with our gender identity that we condemn the qualities of the other side.  In my own experience and observations, it seems to me that getting stuck in this kind of thinking is distressing. It divides us unnecessarily, both internally and externally. It can be useful, on a certain level of discernment, for us to examine the differences between states of mind & body, people, objects, and experiences. It helps us make skillful choices about where we want to be on the continuum. However, too much time spent in black and white thinking  causes us to miss that which unites opposites and robs us of balance and peace.

The secret is to rise above the play of opposites and see the balance which contains both. The bigger trick is to become the balance! We have every opposite within us. Life happens mostly in shades of gray along the continuum between opposites. Have you ever had a day that was entirely sad or entirely happy? If you watch any state of mind or feeling, you will notice it is always changing. Sometimes I can be crying and a few minutes later laughing. Just like my last couple of entries, I go from despair to peace and back again.  Yet, there is also a witnessing awareness that sees and holds all of it, that knows the real me exists beyond all opposites in a field of unity–the eye over the pyramid. When I can remember this, I get less caught up in black and white thinking and I’m automatically more open, tolerant, accepting, loving and peaceful.

Within all of us is the play of light and dark. It’s good to remember we can all be villains and heroes, sources of love and peace or hate and aggression. When I can remember this, I am more compassionate towards all of me and all of others.

I once created this mandala to illustrate this idea:

The caption reads: The play of light and dark is contained within a field of pure, loving awareness. The yin/yang symbolizes the play of the opposites. Within each opposite is the seed of the other side, represented by the black and white dots. This play of opposites exists within a field of pure, loving awareness.

Next time you catch yourself judging someone, try seeing yourself in them or seeing ways in which you are alike.  When you are stuck on one end of the continuum, try consciously shifting yourself towards the other side by experiencing the opposite. For example, if you are feeling sad, recall a time when you felt happy, feel it again in your body and heart. Notice what shifts. Playing on the continuum in these ways can lift your perspective and help you find balance.

Here are some examples of my either/or thoughts and how I play with shifting them to both/and:

• It’s either perfect or it’s crap. My writing is a place where this one plays out all the time, but it can apply to anything I do. The both/and reframe: Parts of this are really good, most of it is mediocre, some of it is crap. Free from my rigid B&W assessment, I can then sift through a piece of writing, and decide what stays, what goes and what I can live with before I press the Publish button or send it to an editor.
• We either agree 100% or we disagree 100%. The both/and reframe: There are things we mostly agree on, things we don’t really have an opinion about one way or another, and things we strongly disagree on. Most of it probably falls in the middle. With this reframe, I can calm my emotional intensity and seek common ground while having an exchange of differing opinions. I am more able to see when it is time to agree to disagree and move on to a neutral or agreeable topic. I’ve found this one particularly helpful in the current political climate!
• You either love me totally or hate me totally. This either/or is the tyrant of many relationships, particularly of the romantic kind. For me it is fueled by my fear of abandonment. At its worst, it can cause me to either abandon myself to please another, or to pull back at the first sign of conflict and run for the door. The both/and reframe: You love some aspects of me, are neutral about most of me and hate some aspects of me. It is quite likely that none of this has anything to do with your love for me, which (hopefully) exists in the eye over the pyramid which sees all of me and loves me anyway! If this is not true, we probably need to have a look at our relationship…
• I’m either pain free or I’m full of pain. Most days I have pain, so this either/or is particularly painful for me. The both/and reframe: Some parts of my body hurt, but most of it is pain free. Some parts hurt more than others and require some action on my part to alleviate my pain, like taking an ibuprofen or getting up to stretch and walk around. Most of the time, all that is needed is for me to notice the pain and be with it for a few minutes. During this time, I observe that it shifts and changes. The sensations are always moving like energy waves. I take time to notice all the places I don’t have pain (playing on the opposite side). Pretty soon the sensation of pain has calmed and I feel relief. The worst thing I can do is to close down around pain, fearing that it is taking all of me over. It never does that if I can pull up into that higher perspective of balance. I then notice there is a part of me that is beyond pain, that is one with that great field of pure, loving awareness.

I believe that who we truly are is beyond all form, thought, sensation, action. We are part of that field of pure, loving awareness. Maybe if we just remember that, all the rest of it will fall into place?