God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. AA Serenity Prayer

Last year Spirit worked with me on cultivating joy; this year I am led to work on cultivating peace. When I am not at peace, I can’t access my joy. You may recall from my blog on The Book of Joy (https://www.renofriends.org/cultivating-joy/), that one of the pillars is Acceptance. In this blog, I will explore Acceptance through the lens of the AA Serenity Prayer.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

In my experience, this is actually the first step to serenity. I used to charge into a situation and start doing something, believing that taking action was the most important thing to do. Quakerism has helped me learn to step back, observe, season, sit in silence and seek guidance. Discernment takes time and when I’m overwhelmed and just want a problem solved, I can rush the process and make a bigger mess. If I don’t take time, I can easily take on something that isn’t mine to do or step on someone’s toes who was doing just fine before I came along!

Patience is a word that comes to mind here. It’s important that we be patient and take our time when choosing our words and actions. We can forget how powerful they are. I still have a lot to learn. Being aware of this, I try to ask for time to consider the best course of action from a variety of perspectives, including the “God’s eyes” perspective Desmond Tutu recommends.

I’ve also learned that emotional detachment is essential for me to be able to see a situation from a variety of perspectives. If I am too attached to my way of viewing things and the solution I favor, I can miss important aspects that others see more clearly. When we collaborate from a place of equality, we are more likely to contribute to transformative change.

I am learning that sometimes the most powerful choice is to be still and not act, but allow things to unfold, trusting that if there is something I am led to contribute, it will become clear. Sometimes the most helpful action is non-action and holding someone in the Light, trusting they will be guided and find their way.

The Courage to Change the Things I Can

The next step for me is to assess my Light. Do I have the time, energy and resources to take on what I’ve identified I might help with? As I get older, this becomes more of an issue for me. I must prioritize what I can engage with and what I must leave for others to shine their Light on.

I do recall when I was younger that I lacked courage because I lacked confidence and was afraid of making a mistake. I think these things can hold many of us back from engaging in transformative work. Another aspect of this that I have struggled with is feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of a situation and then becoming paralyzed. With this block, it helps to take one small step at a time.

The Dalai Lama says that he believes much of our stress is caused by having too high expectations. When my expectations are too high, it can lead to exhaustion and despair. Lately, I’ve been working on adjusting my expectations and I find that does help. I can celebrate the small successes and keep on going without burning out.

The Dalai Lama also encourages us not to be attached to the outcome of our efforts as this also causes stress and frustration. Lao Tzu agrees with him recommending that we give ourselves fully to an action that flows through us and then let go and let the Tao do its work. I remind myself that I cannot see the bigger picture or understand the Mystery and I may never know the ultimate effect of my efforts.

Another skill I have found invaluable is the ability to set clear boundaries with compassion. It is hard to disappoint others and tell them “no” when they ask for our help. I recall reading a chapter in a book by life coach, Cheryl Richardson, entitled “Let me Disappoint You.” She gave wonderful advice on how to sensitively let down others by attending to their feelings, clearly stating our own limits and what we can do, and then offering some options for other resources.

Accepting What I Cannot Change

This final step is the most challenging for me personally. I was raised to be a perfectionist, trained to look at what was awry and get busy fixing it. Accepting something that I thought needed to be changed seemed wrong and lazy. I’ve learned that sometimes things are fine just the way they are and it’s only my judgment that needs changing. Everyone has their own journey, and the world has its own journey, affected by our collective consciousness. We are responsible for our journey and our contributions to others and to the collective, but we are not responsible for others or for the state of the world.

Along the way, I realized that I must first accept a situation, become “fierce with reality”, before I can do transformative work. We must break through our denial and our attachments to what we wish was happening. To develop a clear picture, it helps to listen deeply to others and pay attention to what is going on beneath the surface with a compassionate and open heart and mind.

There are many situations in our lives and in the world that we cannot personally change, or that we can only contribute a small piece to improving. Then we must step back and let it be, trusting that there’s a greater Mystery at work that we don’t understand. We can cultivate serenity, kindness, joy and hope in our own hearts and radiate that out to others and the world around us. This is more helpful than fretting about what we cannot change or getting lost in fear, stress and despair. We can embody the change we would like to see in the world and let our lives speak. Never underestimate how powerful that can be!

Queries:

Which aspect(s) of the Serenity Prayer are the most challenging for you?

What have you learned along the way that has helped you be more accepting of reality and those around you? What do you still need to work on?

How do you decide what to change and then what do you do? Is your process working or do you need to make changes?

This is the second of my blogs on The Book of Joy by The Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. The first was essentially a book review–https://rhondaashurst.com/2023/06/03/the-book-of-joy/. This second blog is about my experiences of cultivating joy using the practices in the book over the last six months.

As often happens in life, I’ve been given an interesting opportunity to work with moving from suffering back into joy over the last week while I was contemplating this blog post. I finally got Covid! Of course, it picked an incredibly bad week to visit me. I was facilitating the last Quakerism 101 class on Tuesday night, Wednesday morning was my Embodying the Light class, Thursday was a performance at UNR I wanted to see, and Saturday I was to clerk a memorial for a dear friend and attender at the Meeting House. I had also inadvertently exposed a lot of people to the virus, including the Meeting during Sunday Worship and my 88-year-old mother.

I remember staring at the positive result and immediately crying out, “NO!!! This can’t be happening! Not this week!” Then I was mortified that I may have given it to a lot of other people. Quickly my head began running away with me down a rapidly descending spiral of catastrophic thinking. When Scott got home and I shared it with him, he met it with his usual “darn the luck” calm and reminded me that this too shall pass. I so appreciate his steadiness in moments like this. It helped me to get a grip and start figuring out logistics. A Quaker Friend encouraged me to read the practice on Acceptance in the book.

I sat down and did the meditation, coming into the present moment and following my breath. Then I brought into my mind my difficulty in accepting my current Covid situation. As instructed, I reminded myself this is the nature of reality, and this is what is happening right now. I breathed into my heart and felt all the disappointment and fear. I cried a little, gave myself a hug, and told myself it would be ok. Then I asked myself what I needed to do to meet the situation in a positive and helpful way. A list began to form in my mind, so I got a piece of paper and wrote what came to me. By the time I finished the practice, I had an action list of decisions to be made and people to call for help. I felt empowered rather than overwhelmed and helpless.

As I worked my way down the list, I was met over and over by helpful and caring responses of friends and family. So many people stepped up to take on the tasks I could not and expressed their concern and good wishes for my speedy recovery. By the time I was done, I had tears again, this time of gratitude and joy. I felt so very loved and comforted. I thought, how lucky I am to have so many caring and wonderful people sharing my life! This feeling stayed with me all week as people brought food, ran needed errands, called, texted and phoned to check on me. Everything I was worried about was taken care of or rescheduled. The memorial was wonderful by all accounts and others had the opportunity to shine their ample Light and skills on the day. Of course, I was sad again that I didn’t get to go, but I’ve found joy in experiencing it through the eyes of those who were there.

This week of not feeling well and being isolated brought to mind so many of the joys of my normal, healthy life: energy, freedom from pain, hugging my honey and being near him, the company of others, clear sinuses, the ability to taste and smell, a clear head, good digestion, strength, freedom to come and go as I please, sharing food, silent Worship, physical activity, dancing, and the list goes on! It was a powerful exercise in appreciating what you normally have when it’s gone. There is so much I take for granted.

As I move back into health, I hope I will remember the valuable lessons I’ve learned from my Covid experience. This has definitely been my most challenging test since reading the book, but I know more will come. In general, I’m finding that I spend more time in joy and appreciation of the present moment, and less time stressing needlessly over long to-do lists or things that are out of my control. Looking back on these last 6 months, I see that I’ve been easier on myself and taken things as they come. I see more clearly what is really important and what is not. I’m more ok with being a messy, imperfect human and I can laugh more easily at my foibles. When I have struggles with suffering, I try to remember to go to the practices and find one that is relevant to the situation and work it. For my struggle with the suffering of others, I’ve found the Tonglen practice helpful—breathing into my heart their pain and suffering and offering out joy, love, Light, peace, courage and strength. I’ve discovered my heart is big enough to hold a lot of suffering with love and compassion.

What a treasure this book has been to me! I’ve resolved to keep it near as I travel down the roads of my life. It’s a valuable map and I’m ever grateful it found its way to me. It turned what I saw as a Covid tragedy into a Covid gift.

In March I went on a retreat to Graeagle. My friend, Peggy sent along The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. What an amazing teaching this book was for me during my sacred time! It was exactly what I needed. Before my retreat, I had been feeling increasingly hopeless about the future of humanity and all of our relations that share this planet with us. This is a familiar issue for me and one I’ve blogged about before.

Quickly I was absorbed into the worlds of these two great spiritual leaders who have faced grave struggles for their own lives and the lives and wellbeing of their people. They have overcome suffering beyond anything I can imagine. Yet they are joyful, funny, playful, loving and share a very close friendship with one another. I love the photos of the two of them that are scattered throughout the book. Their expressions exude the joy and spiritual radiance they have cultivated inside themselves. The Dalai Lama makes the point that no one would be inspired by their spiritual practices if they were both sourpusses! The book came out of a week together in 2015 when Desmond Tutu visited the Dalai Lama for his 80^th Birthday. Together with Douglas Abrams (writer and editor) they endeavored to create The Book of Joy as a gift to humanity.

I was interested to learn that the question most readers wanted them to answer was: How could we possibly live with joy in a world filled with so much suffering? My dilemma exactly! They both find that joy can exist alongside suffering and sorrow. They point out that suffering is part of life and often brings opportunities to grow more mature emotionally and to develop compassion and practice forgiveness. The Dalai Lama offered a practice from an ancient Indian teaching: “If there’s no way to overcome tragedy, then there is no use in worrying about it. If something can be done about the situation, do it. If nothing can be done, what use is there for being dejected?” It reminds me of the Serenity Prayer.

They both share a common secret to the cultivation of a joyful life: Seek joy and happiness inside, help others, be kind and compassionate. In other words, it’s an inside out job, not the other way around. We are quick to seek our sources of happiness outside ourselves (jobs, stuff, money, romance, etc.), but the fount of lasting joy is within.

Desmond Tutu points out that joy is bigger than and includes happiness. It is not dependent on external circumstances. He encourages us to be “a reservoir of joy, an oasis of peace, a pool of serenity that can ripple out to all those around you.”

They agree the best way to do this is to reach beyond our focus on ourselves and help others, but not to the point of harming ourselves. Our compassion must include ourselves as well as others and all our relations. We are all in this together. When we are suffering, so are many others. Tutu spoke about “ubuntu”—an African concept that means we all need each other and are all connected to one another. We all want a happy life and to love and be loved.

They share a common view that people are basically good and that, as a species, we are getting better with time. We are encouraged (like the redwood trees once encouraged me on a retreat) to remember we are young and still have a lot to learn, that we are “masterpieces in the making.” Tutu reminds us it is important to see things with “God eyes” and the Dalai Lama encourages us to look at a situation from a variety of perspectives before reacting/responding. This fits with the Quaker concept of “seasoning”.

The book has two main sections on the obstacles to joy and the eight pillars of joy. At the end, there is a very helpful section of practices to develop inner, lasting joy.

The Obstacles to Joy

The obstacles include fear, stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, sadness, grief, despair, loneliness, envy, suffering, adversity, illness, and fear of death. I use this section as a reference when I am experiencing one of these states and need some help to move through it and back into peace, joy and hope. The first step is to accept the reality of suffering. However, it is also important to see that much of our suffering is created by the attitudes and thoughts we have about a situation. This is the place where we can learn to observe what is happening in our mind and choose a different path.

This part of the book is full of wisdom and insightful suggestions for how to move through the obstacles. Tutu makes the point that often we need to feel our feelings and let them flow through us, but be mindful not to get stuck in them or let them lead our responses. The Dalai Lama is more cerebral and goes straight to working with his mind as the key to lasting peace and joy. In my experience, both of them are right—it’s helpful to acknowledge and allow our feelings, but then we need to step back and use our minds, heart and intuition to determine the highest and best response.

The Eight Pillars of Joy

The eight pillars of joy are divided into the four qualities of the mind: perspective, humility, humor and acceptance, and the four qualities of the heart: forgiveness, gratitude, compassion and generosity. Through cultivating these qualities, we can live increasingly in a state of joy and share that with others.

Perspective: Try to see situations from all viewpoints and through the “eyes of God”. Your viewpoint is only one amongst many, don’t get too attached to it! Move from “I” to “we”.

Humility: We are all equal and interdependent, yet we all have our gifts to give. Give them with confidence and be humble, willing to learn and admit/correct mistakes. Encourage others to give their gifts. Know when to step back and let others shine.

Humor: The book is filled with examples of the two of them teasing and laughing with one another. Douglas, who compiled and edited the book, has come to see that humor is a hallmark of advanced spiritual development and these two have honed it to a fine art! They remind us that laughing at our shared humanity, vulnerability, foibles, and frailties helps us deal with the uncertainties and harshness of life.

Acceptance: It is important to accept reality as it is. Tutu recommends accepting what is and asking how do we make something positive of this situation? (the philosophy underpinning Truth and Reconciliation after Apartheid) The Dalai Lama encourages us to work toward a goal, vision, intention without attachment to the outcome, a primary teaching of the Buddha.

Forgiveness: Forgiveness releases our anger and hurt and allows us to move on. It doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior-sometimes we need to make a stand, set a boundary, do what is necessary to stop harm. Don’t lose sight of a person’s humanity, while responding with clarity and firmness. Decide if you want to renew or release the relationship.

Gratitude: Be grateful for the abundance of your life, see wonder in your day, savor and enjoy. You can even be grateful for people, conditions, and situations which challenge you or cause pain, as they are precious spiritual teachers.

Compassion: Move from I to we, from control to caring. When we open our hearts to others, we relax and have joy. We are wired for altruism; it is how our species has thrived. It is also important to have compassion for ourselves and to practice good self-care. Acts of compassion have a ripple effect extending to our friends, their friends and beyond.

Generosity: When we give, we receive. Giving of ourselves and fostering a sense of purpose leads to greater well-being for ourselves and others. Tutu reminds us that we are just stewards of wealth and possessions. It is a joy to give to others, a joy that comes back to us, and brings us full circle together.

In Conclusion

This book has been the gift to me that it was intended to be. I encourage you to read it and work with the practices at the end of the book. Together, we can create more joy, love, hope, and peace in a world that needs these gifts.

Here are some fun, short videos:

Interview by Douglas of The Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu on their friendship:

CBS Sunday Morning interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfys2mEtUqY&t=4s

Interview of Douglas Abrams who compiled the book: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDNecvT5miA&t=121s

This is a blog I wrote for Reno Friends that I wanted to share about the practice of “detached compassion”.

What does that mean? Doesn’t being compassionate involve passionate caring about others? I began exploring this concept while I was in the throes of burnout. After years as a counselor, I wasn’t sure I could go on caring so much for others and neglecting myself. I was suffering from compassion fatigue, which is a common problem in helping professions.

I studied professional literature which recommended taking time for self-care and setting better boundaries. But often I would prioritize the suffering of clients and friends over my own needs. I didn’t feel right about doing something good for myself or enjoying life while others were suffering. It seemed selfish and I wasn’t supposed to be selfish.

I started seeing a therapist who encouraged me to be “self-full”. “You will be more effective if you give from a full bucket,” she told me. While this made sense, I still wavered in my resolve, regularly dropping my own plans to help someone in need.

I read books on gender dynamics and realized that, as a woman, I was culturally programmed to care for others above myself. Observing my family, I could clearly see where these messages had come from. This awareness helped me understand the emotional hooks which triggered my automatic responses.

I also read several Buddhist books that introduced me to the idea of detached compassion, which was new to me. Compassion is a central tenet of Buddhism, but it is not connected to martyrdom. Compassion for all living beings, including oneself, is a goal of Buddhist practice. So is detachment, which is not being attached to the passing forms and states of human existence. In other words, detachment is accepting where we are and what is happening in each moment as we move through life.

So how does one detach while being compassionate? The basic idea is to detach from the outcome, while allowing our hearts to guide us in compassionate action. This was a liberating concept I’d never considered! I realized I was very attached to the outcome of my helping and giving. I wanted clients to reach their goals, and my professional evaluations focused on this. I wanted friends and family to be happy. I wanted the world to be just and peaceful. I couldn’t rest until those outcomes were achieved, which meant I never rested.

It also meant I often took more responsibility for others and their choices than was my place. Detached compassion means we let others make their own choices and deal with their own outcomes, while still caring deeply about them. We may have to make choices in response, like setting boundaries and detaching from toxic or abusive relationships. I remind myself that others have a right to learn as they go, just like me, and while I like to help, it’s their life. I can be more helpful when I’m centered in myself and not caught up in their emotions and crises. It’s also helpful to maintain awareness that all things pass.

In my explorations on the topic of detached compassion, I have found the writings of the Dalai Lama to be particularly helpful. What I learned from him is that life is full of suffering, but it is also full of joy. He has witnessed terrible suffering, especially of his own people when China invaded Tibet. He lives in exile, and he is full of joy. How is that possible? He can detach emotionally from suffering while being compassionately present with an open heart, allowing his words and actions to be guided in each moment. His intention is to alleviate suffering; however, he is not attached to how or when this will happen. In this way, he opens space around suffering with his acceptance, so its hold can be loosened. In this spacious awareness, new possibilities arise. He also has a great sense of humor and strong faith in others.

As I absorbed the Buddhist perspectives, the possibility of being at peace with suffering arose. I learned it was my resistance to the fact of suffering which was causing my distress and leading to burnout. I began to practice being with the suffering of myself and others, while keeping my heart open. That required getting out of my head, which is my favorite place to hang out! I learned about the dance that happens between heart and head. I discovered that leading with my heart while letting go of my head’s agenda and judgments was a more skillful and joyful way to be with others. Then my head can be in service to my heart instead of the other way around.

I am still working with these lessons every day. I often forget what I learned and fall back into old patterns. When I catch myself getting hooked again into outcomes, I take a deep breath and remind myself to let go, open my heart and simply be with what is in the moment. I am a living creative process, as is everyone else. I can be deeply compassionate towards suffering and trust the process. I have learned that suffering often leads to joy given the spaciousness of acceptance and time.

I wrote this blog for Reno Friends (http://www.renofriends.org) and was inspired to share it on my own site.

…And yet we could hurt no man that we believe loves us. Let us then try what Love will do: for if men did once see we love them, we should soon find they would not harm us… William Penn, 1693

Back in May, when the Black Lives Matter protests were beginning after George Floyd’s death, Reno Friends had an opportunity to love our neighbors. Due to the pandemic, we were meeting outside in our garden, so we could be together yet keep our distance. We had sent a letter to our neighbors asking if they could bring in their dogs during our hour of Silent Worship.

On the Sunday after the protests in Reno’s downtown, we sat for peace and equality. As we were settling into our chairs, we noticed a number of people and dogs in our neighbor’s yard. Suddenly, loud, acid rock began playing out of a bedroom window facing the garden. I went over and let them know we were about to begin worship and asked if they could bring the dogs in and turn the music off. The grandmother told me that it was difficult to control the dogs. I understood in that moment that she had absolutely no control over the actions of the young men playing the music.

We decided to choose the path of peace and, leaving our garden, selected a tree out in the park where we had a lovely Silent Worship. We were joined by two squirrels, one ironically seeking sanctuary from a bully squirrel who was chasing him. The timid one hid under a lawn chair until he could race through the midst of us back to his burrow.

Shortly after that first Sunday, the Ministry and Oversight Committee decided to extend a gesture of neighborly friendliness and peace toward our neighbors, even though we were unhappy about the loud music that had disturbed our garden worship. We put together a gift bag for the family’s little boy, who is about three years old and loves to greet the USPS and UPS drivers. It contained a UPS truck and a satchel of small letters and packages designed by one of our members, as well as some construction vehicles the child would likely to see on the streets. We also made a goodie bag of cookies, espresso mix, and chocolate for the rest of the family.

I was planning to deliver our gifts, but circumstances kept delaying me. In the meantime, we continued to meet for worship in the garden on Sundays and noticed the neighbors were making their best efforts to keep their dogs indoors and that there was no more loud music.

About two weeks later, my not-so-still-small voice inside said, “Go buy some flowers and deliver it all, now.” I remember arguing that it was lunch time and I didn’t want to bother them. But the voice was relentless, so I went, picking up flowers on the way. I’m so glad I listened. It was a little after noon when I pulled up to the Meeting House and saw the grandmother out on the porch with the dogs.

I took the gifts to the gate and she came over. I introduced myself and said I was with the Quakers next door and we wanted to offer these gifts of neighborly friendliness and peace. She said we didn’t have to do that. She was trying her best to keep the dogs in and quiet, but she couldn’t always control her boys. She apologized for what had happened.

She went on to explain that it had been a very hard time recently for their family. Her mother had died two weeks earlier. They had a celebration of her life while she was still alive, as this had been her wish and several family members had come into town to be part of it. That was why there were so many people next door that Sunday after the demonstrations. I suddenly understood the tension I had felt when I’d gone over to talk with her.

I told her I was sorry for their loss and that we absolutely wanted them to have these gifts. I was even more glad I had come as I was led, and that I brought flowers. I expressed our gratitude for the efforts they had made the last two Sundays, which were very pleasant out in the garden. She told me she’d requested that her family respect our time in our garden, since it is only “one hour a week.” I asked her to let us know if they have a family gathering we need to work around, and we will find a tree in the park again.

We chatted for a bit (it was her lunch break, so the timing was perfect). I learned that her family lives with her and she is grateful for their company. She said she wanted to support our worship as she saw how much it had pained her mother not to be able to go to church at the end. She also told me she is a spiritual person, though she doesn’t attend church. I invited her to sit with us anytime she would like, even if it’s from her own porch. She smiled at this invitation, thanked us for our gifts and wished me a good day.

In July, we had a Zoom spiritual discussion on the subject of Loving Thy Neighbor (No Exceptions). There was rich and poignant sharing about the challenges of loving others without exception, particularly when we disagree or feel upset with each other. Friends shared these insights:

• Sometimes it’s helpful to agree to disagree. We can stand in our own integrity and truth, while respecting the different position of the other person.
• There is power in holding those with whom we disagree in the Light.
• It is important to approach interactions with curiosity and compassion.
• Before communicating when upset, it is prudent to deal with anger/fear in oneself first. Then we can be clearer when we reach out to the other person.
• It helps to remember that we all struggle, and that we don’t know what another is experiencing.

Our experience with our neighbors and the spiritual discussion that followed brings to life something another Friend spoke about during Worship: Be kind to others; you never know what pain and hardship they may be going through. It is also a testimony to the current need and power of one of our own sayings: Love thy neighbors, especially those you might not choose as friends. It seems to me now is a time for us to live this testimony in our everyday interactions out in the world. The peaceful change we seek lies within us.

This post was inspired by my “3 Months” post in Hip Adventures. I am struggling with releasing my expectation that I would be all better by now. I realize my expectation was that I would be back to all my normal activities by now and would be mostly pain free. I’m not. And my other hip is going. I am disappointed, sad, frustrated, and angry.

This morning in my meditation I reflected on Buddha’s wise observation, “Attachment is the root of all suffering.” This is one of the basic tenets of Buddhism. As one of my favorite teachers says, “Pain in life is a given, suffering is optional.” He liked to use a great mental picture to demonstrate this. He said, “We often cling to our pain and our stories and dramas about our pain, like clutching a burning ember in our hands. It would be better if we dropped all of it, including the ember, and soaked our hand in cold water.”

My version of doing this is to have a really good cry and let my tears be the water soothing my burning emotions. I let my tears wash away all those painful feelings, acknowledging them as they go. That’s what I did Monday morning when I finally allowed myself to admit that my left hip is failing. After this emotional thunderstorm, the clouds burn away and I am able to see sunlight again, to look on the brighter side of the situation.

This always requires releasing the expectation that things should be different than they are. In this situation, it means letting go of the expectation that my right hip should be healed and pain free by now, and my left hip should be ok for another few years. This is not reality. And I promised my left hip I would not bury my pain in denial, like I did with my right hip. It serves no useful purpose and it causes unnecessary suffering.

Once I feel my feelings and release my expectations, I can then focus on the positive aspects of the situation, marshal my resources and make a sensible plan of action. I know I am not ready to have another surgery right now, but I think I could manage it in the spring. I’ve made a deal with myself that if I have more problems with my left hip by the end of February, I will make an appointment to see Dr. Shukla and take it from there.

Since making this decision, I have felt more peaceful. There is less emotional turmoil and railing against what is happening. The “woe is me” story is fading. Yes, I do still feel all those feelings at times, especially when I hurt, but now they pass through more easily. This is simply “what is so” at this moment. It is so much easier to release my expectations and be with it, holding myself with compassion and keeping my teddy bear handy.

I’ve been away from my blog for awhile, but it’s been for a good cause. I’ve been giving the gift of presence by spending quality time with the people I love. If they live near me, we sit face-to-face and talk, often sharing a meal. Otherwise, we talk on the phone, Facetime, or email each other.

Presence is my favorite present to both give and receive. It is about showing up COMPLETELY for another person, with ears and heart open and cell phone off. We reminisce about the year past, ponder the year coming up, and express our gratitude for our relationship and all we have shared together. We eat good food, drink good wine, laugh, shed some tears, smile a lot and nod. Sometimes, we reach across the table to touch each other’s hands. And we always part with a big hug. If we are on the phone or writing an email, we send our love over the lines and we don’t allow distractions or interruptions of this precious time.

Sometimes, we can get lost in the hustle and bustle of the Holidays and forget to be present, to be loving. We can get caught up in giving material gifts at the expense of human relationships, becoming short with our partners, children, co-workers, the driver in front of us or the clerk at the store. Let’s stop in these moments and remind ourselves that the season is about love and kindness.

The Practice: Show up for the people you love, COMPLETELY. Be present. Be loving and kind to everyone you come across, even if they are aggravating you. Smile. Listen. Wish them well. Send out into this world what you would want to receive back.

Blessed Thanksgiving! Today we turn our attention towards what we are grateful for in our lives. It’s my favorite holiday.  This topic fits nicely with the thread of my previous posts and it’s the perfect day to reflect on the practice of gratitude. Gratitude is the attitude that takes the edge off judgment and comparison and helps us see with the eyes of the soul. It is the best antidote for negative thinking I’ve found. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could practice thanksgiving every day?

When I have a bad day or go through a hard time in my life, I try to find something to be grateful for and shift my focus to that rather than dwelling on the difficulty. For example, when I was diagnosed with hip dysplasia, I remember feeling very grateful that I had 51 good years on my deformed hips. Many people with dysplasia have to have surgeries very early in their lives, often just to get them by until they can get a total hip replacement. Yes, I could have felt sorry for myself and railed against how unfair life can be, and I did have moments of profound sadness, but I saw no purpose in staying there. I needed all my positive energy to move forward with the surgery and recovery process.

Lately, when my recovery is not going as fast anymore, I can get frustrated and focus on what I can’t do. In those moments, I turn my attention to what I can do that I couldn’t do a week ago or a month ago. I focus on my heart and feel gratitude for how much I have healed. This shifts my focus from what I can’t do to what I can do and then everything changes.

During my recovery, I have been constantly moved by the generosity of so many people who have helped me along the way. I’ve softened and grown closer to my beloveds, especially my beloved Scott. I am so very grateful for his presence in my life. I am grateful for the loving family and friends that have supported me, through my whole life.

None of us are an island–we all need others to survive. Today we celebrate with our friends and families. We enjoy delicious food. Many lives and hands brought us the gifts we receive today, and every day. We all face challenges. But it’s easier when we are grateful for the many blessings that carry us through and sustain us.

The Practice

Start and finish each day with a gratitude. Find something, anything and focus on that for a few minutes. When something challenging comes your way, seek something to be grateful for in the situation. Notice what changes in your life as a result of cultivating gratitude in your life.

Another great practice is to make a list of all the things you are grateful for and read some of it when you feel negativity getting a hold of you. Today is a great day to make a gratitude list.

This week in my conversation with Debs we talked about comparison–a close cousin to judgment. She asked me to write something about this subject. Upon reflection, I would have to say my experience is that comparison comes before judgment. We compare ourselves against another (or others) and then we judge who is right, wrong, better, worse. We tend to attack the wrong/worse one and put the right/better one on a pedestal. This creates suffering for both us and the other. We can also compare situations, people, things, animals, etc. with similar results.

What creates the suffering? Isn’t it true that some of us are better at certain things than others, or we possess qualities/things others don’t? Isn’t it so that we like some situations, people, things, animals better than others? Sure. It’s what we do with that information which can cause suffering.

I learned the most about comparison on my yoga mat, so I’m going to go there for some examples. My teacher said to me, “Be on your mat in each moment with your body as it is in each pose. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else, including me. Your business is on your mat.” It was then that I became painfully aware that I was always on everyone else’s mat. How were they doing compared to me, me to them? Was I more flexible or them? Who was stronger? Who could hold their balance longer? If I came up less than, I attacked myself, put them on a pedestal and felt envious. If I came up better than, I put myself on a pedestal and looked down on them. This goes against every principle and value of yoga there is! OUCH!

Then began a long practice of staying on my mat. More and more, I can be there. And then a new challenge will come and I stray into comparison again. Lately my challenge is my new hip and all the changes it has brought into my life and onto my mat. I am not as flexible, strong or balanced as I was before. Now my comparison is with a previous self who no longer exists. Who, honestly, may never exist again, not in her previous form. This causes me great suffering and I can weep on my mat. But, it is my choice to make this very unfair comparison and find my current self lacking.

Another choice is to be with where I am on the mat in each moment without comparison and judgment, but with discernment and compassion. What can I do? Where is my new edge? What happens when I drop the judgment about that edge and just breathe into it, embrace it, wrap lovingkindness around it, be grateful for what I can do? Well, my muscles relax and I can drop more deeply into the pose because I am not fighting my own body. My body can trust me and stop pushing against me in order to protect itself. Sometimes it tells me to do another pose, or to give it a rest and just go straight to savasana (relaxation pose).

I have found when I stop pushing on other people or animals, I get a similar response: relaxation, trust, warmth, a drawing closer instead of pulling away. We often compare others with who we wish they were or with someone else we like better.  We can wish we were with someone else, somewhere else, or that we were someone else if we are on the short end of the comparison stick.

Debs called me at this point in my writing this post… She asked me to talk about lasagna vs. grill cheese sandwiches (that woman is all about food). She finds herself craving “lasagna” both the food and people she loves who she considers the “lasagnas” of her life. But she finds cheese sandwiches boring, both in food and people. When she’s with a cheese sandwich, for example, all she can think of is the lasagna and why can’t this person be more like the other one I prefer?

I pointed out that we all need a balanced diet to be healthy, both when it comes to food and people! We need grilled cheese, lasagna, fruit & veggies, chocolate, granola, wine, and the list goes on. Even though we may have preferences for lasagna over cheese sandwiches, it takes all of it to make the world go round, give us the experiences and nourishment we need, and help us appreciate lasagna.

Then she said something very profound, “I need to be the lasagna. Then I’ll bring more lasagna into my life.” This is another golden truth about comparison. Sometimes it leads us to see, usually through envy, what it is we would like be.

Today’s enlightening practice:

Drop the comparison stick. When you find yourself comparing, be aware that is what you are doing and STOP. Breathe deeply into your belly and focus on your heart. Open it. Open your mind. Find something you can appreciate and be grateful for in yourself, in the other, in the situation. Shift your focus more to your gratitude than what is lacking. Be 100% present in the moment with acceptance of what is.

NOTE: Sometimes we are in a situation or with a person where our discernment tells us to get out of there, to withdraw, to move away from. In those situations it can be unskillful and dangerous to remain trying to find something good to appreciate! I personally find my body, especially my gut, is a good indicator and I’ve learned to trust it.

NOTE 2: If the comparison stick has helped you realize that you need to cultivate some quality in yourself that you envy in the other, stop despairing and get to work!

What I will do today:

Go eat some lasagna at my favorite Italian restaurant with my sweetie!

Yesterday, I had a fascinating conversation, as I often do, with my friend, Peggy. We got on the subject of judgment vs. discernment. What’s the difference? We came up with some good distinctions I wanted to share.

Judgment often comes from an ego-based place and it tends to have a hard edge to it. When I’m judging, I notice tension in my jaws, tightness in my heart, narrowing of my eyes. It often comes out as criticism of another’s thoughts, actions, beliefs. “I can’t believe she could think that!” “How could he have done that?”  “Who could hold such a belief?” It is about condemnation from a self-elevated place. In this place I have forgotten “judge not lest ye be judged.” I want to change the other to be more like me, because I’ve got it all figured it (ha!). There is a strong element of righteous indignation that makes me feel superior to whomever or whatever I’m judging. It is about force, forcing my opinion on someone else. The other thing I notice about judging is that I’m often judging something in myself that I have projected onto the other person (remove the log in your own eye, before seeking to remove the splinter in your neighbor’s). If I’m particularly riled up about something, I can be sure it is a reflection of something I’m doing myself that I don’t like.

Discernment is related to judgment, but it comes from a different place. Here’s a good definition I found online: discernment is perceiving without judgment and with the intention of obtaining spiritual direction and understanding. It is about Seeing with the Eyes of the Soul (previous post). Discernment seeks the truth from a higher perspective and it is softer than judgment. When I am discerning, I am not tense, my heart is soft and open, I am curious about the other’s thoughts, actions, beliefs. I ask questions and listen for the answers, not to pounce on them in order to correct, but to better understand them. Meanwhile, I’m also checking in with myself, hopefully my Higher Self, and my heart and gut. I’m trying to better understand myself in relation to the other (I’m also seeking the log in my eye). Out of this practice, I may be influenced to change my mind, or to refine or reframe  my thinking. I see the other’s way of seeing/being/thinking as equal to my own, not less than. I may also decide that my perspective rings more true to me and works better and that I’m sticking with it. But, I don’t go the extra step of judgment and try to force it on the other. Often this is a place of agreeing to disagree and moving on. It is about mutual respect and empowerment to make different choices and hold different beliefs, and still like each other. It doesn’t mean we go along with something we disagree with in order to please or remain connected to another. Sometimes discernment requires us to withdraw from an activity, group or relationship.

How I will practice discernment today:

When I feel the hard edge of judgment in my body and hear it in my words and thoughts, I will STOP and softly bring my attention to my heart. I like to hold the image of one hand on my heart and one hand on the heart of  the other. From this place of compassion, I will seek to understand both of us and empower both of us to be in our truths, whatever that may be. I give myself permission to be changed/influenced by the other. I also give myself and the other permission to decide to back away or disengage if that serves Truth. If I decide to disengage, I will do it with lovingkindness and not harshness.