I debated about writing this entry, but I believe it is important to share this part of Hip Adventures. We all have adventures of some kind, and struggling with maintaining altitude during the challenging times is part of all our life journeys.

I am mostly a positive, sunny person who looks on the bright side of situations, even the really bad ones. This has always helped me through the dark times. And I tend to only want to write about staying in the Light.

But sometimes it is important to share about being in the darkness, the despair, the discouragement, the pain, the sadness, the exhaustion. I am in this place now, where this whole situation feels heavy and I no longer feel strong enough to pick myself up and rise above it. It’s easy to tell myself a story about how this saga will never end and I will never walk and move effortlessly and pain-free again. I am so tired of the pain and the disability.

I recognize a lot of my sense of self has been wrapped around the strength and endurance of my physical body. Now that is slipping away. With the leaving, there is grieving. As much as I want to escape, it is important for me to be with this grief, with all these dark emotions. I have no more strength to run from the pain anymore. So I let it wash over me in waves–crying when I need to, asking for a hug when I need one, taking time for myself, talking to loved ones, petting Theo, and writing, which has always been one of my main outlets.

It’s an odd thing to discover that when I’m with pain, it passes through me like a wave. Then it dissipates and there is peace and calm. Then another wave comes, and goes. Who is it who watches all the comings and goings? The pain and the relief? The sadness and the joy?

As my physical self fades, the Spirit that animates it grows stronger. My awareness of this Spirit  within me grows. It is eternal and always filled with peace and a quiet joy. This is the great discovery of turning to face the darkness, of allowing the altitude to dip beneath the clouds. The great tapestry of Life is woven of both the light and the darkness. Without the contrast, we would not be able to experience it all.

If I allow myself to settle deep within, I can feel myself at One with Everything. Here there is no pain and it is all ok. It seems I must be willing to go down into the clouds and fall into the Sea to be one with Spirit. Here there is boundless love and endless peace, and I can rest and heal. Then, when it is time, I will break the surface and fly up and out again, chasing the sun.

I love to fly near the sun. But, that is only one aspect of Life. No one gets to always fly near the sun, ask Icarus. However, I’m not sure that he really drowned in the ocean when he fell out of the sky. I like to think he found his true depths in the Ocean of Being and then learned to fly free through it all.